I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
