at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
