i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize