Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
