wrigley field is MILF paradise
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
