i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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