Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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