Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
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