Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
