So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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