I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
