your room smells of hookers.
And success
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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