Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This toilet bowl is my home.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
