i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
