I wish I could teleport
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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