I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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