new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Randomize
