I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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