Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
