i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
