So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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