I need to stop coming to work sober
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
