allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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