we have pet lesbian snakes
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
