If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
