I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
