so that wasnt chicken after all
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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