Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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