Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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