Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Why can't burritos get me drunk
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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