6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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