Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
