I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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