my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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