Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
