I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
