Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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