Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
