his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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