you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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