I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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