Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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