"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Randomize
