Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize