I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
