shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
