I just saw a hot homeless man
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
