Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
