Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
