I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
