I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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