Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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