I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
