This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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