Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
