Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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