you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
