If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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