there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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