...so i touched it.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
